Ploop TV - Jesus, no! — plooptionary

An occasional anxious look from ploop toward the future of television – where a small band of self-inflated shit-sack TV producers work in tandem with tabloid newspapers and power-thirsty young civil servants to dictate everything from Government policy to the NHS.

Previously on Loop TV.

Mid Jan ….

Gordon Brown and his merry men want ‘race back on the agenda’ so the Scottish shoe-in can strengthen relationships with

India

. They call Channel 4’s Alan Twatsmith and The Sun’s Rory Spoot who order Gordon on to a plane to the subcontinent while they “cook something up”. While Gordon is meeting the Indian PM, Alan orders Jade Goody into the Big Brother house insisting she’s “rude to the pakki”. If she isn’t, the whole world will be told she has a PPE degree from

Cambridge

and isn’t in fact the puerile fuckwit that has made millions by acting thicker than a sumo’s bike saddle.

Meanwhile Rory pens a front page editorial talking about Jade’s disgraceful racist behaviour and also writes and publishes a full page ‘letter’ from Gordon Brown apologising from the bottom of his big Scottish heart to the whole of India and insisting Big Brother is take off the air.

Ester Rantzen’s Heart or Mould

Jan 23^rd2007. Channel 4. 2130-2245

Twatsmith, Spoot, Brown and his fawning PPS Bunni want to prove that Labour (under Blair) isn’t working. They commission, film and direct Ester Rantzen’s Heart is Sold.

Four desperate families need life-saving heart operations for their children. Ester has one heart operation up for grabs (worth a staggering £1.5 million). Tonight; The Unicycled Jester. Which of the four mothers will learn to unicycle for the longest time in front of the live studio audience. Tune in at 2130 as the tension really mounts for these four desperate and sobbing women as they try to overcome fear, balance and humiliation in the name of fucking viewing figures to win their child a heart op.

Following the programme there will be an extended interactive, scratch-card, red-button pressing bollocks-fest over on E4. The losing parents and their gravely ill children talk about their disappointment to the panel of experts including Chris Martin, Al Murray, Jade Goody and that bloke from the Pimms adverts who says “ah, you, me, Pimms in the middle of the woods”

Meanwhile Gordon Brown blogs live about the programme and the issues surrounding NHS funding from a huge heart-shaped balloon hovering above the

Palace

Westminster

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