Archive for February, 2007

OK – it was never going to be a weekly series … I was too busy writing about monsters, getting angry at the television and entertaining myself writing ploop TV. 

On the subject of TV there was a programme on this morning and, I am not joking, an adopted man had to guess who his birth mother was 1,2 or3 – he’d not seen her for 38 years and, in tears, he was having to watch face recognition shots and review their physical details.  At the end of the show (after one hours of pissing with this poor blokes head and the presenter telling him “we’re here for you”) is the big reveal.  You know what the mother said to the 38 year old man she gave up for adoption at birth?  “You’ve grown” – I gave myself a rage induced migraine when I heard that!

Anyway – quotes.  Today, with my usual lack of rigour or underlying interest I’m going to relay some rather fine and cynical quotes on television.

“A medium that has brought murder back into the home, where it belongs”

Alfred Hitchcock

“Democracy at its ugliest”

Paddy Chayevsky

“Something one should appear on, not look at”

Noel Coward

“An invention that permits you to be entertaining in your living-room by people you wouldn’t have in your home”

David Frost

“The longest amateur night in history”

Robert Carson

“Nature’s way of telling us we should have gone out and done something enjoyable”

Gene Perret

“Where old movies go when they die”

Bob Hope

“A medium – because it is neither rare nor well done”

Ernie Kovacs

“A form of entertainment which permits millions of people to listen to the same joke at the same time and yet remain lonesome”

T.S. Eliot

In the not too distant future … Ploop TV has listings from tonight’s TV

2100-2200. My Gun + my problem +my pet = your face. YouTube

In a desperate attempt to bring ‘shooting back the people’ the Conservative Government in association with the Daily Mail and YouTube launch their major gun-fest TV series ‘My Gun + my problem +my pet = your face’.

By the wonders of modern glue and cutting edge red-button technology four Tory-supporting celebrities have remote control guns and TV cameras attached to their pets’ heads.  Paul Daniels has a semi automatic on the head of Debbie his spaniel, Jim Davidson has a 2.2 fixed to the head of his boxer, Paul Dacre has his old English sheepdog tooled up and Chris de Burgh has his Burmese wandering the alleys with an ouzi glued to its cute little furry head.

It’s very simple and acutely interactive.  As the celebrities’ pets wander the alleys sniffing in corners and entering pubs to sniff crotches, you the voter press your red button when you want the guns to fire.  Will you want Jim’s boxer to shoot the face of a single mum?  Should Paul’s spaniel fill a tramp with lead?  Will you be furiously knobbing the red button to encourage Paul’s sheepdog to wipe the smile off the face of an illegal immigrant?  Or should Chris De Burgh’s cat wipe out a whole queue of scroungers waiting to sign on in Burnley?

Critical acclaim from the Daily Mail, “a fun way to get the whole family into shooting and rid the country of scroungers, immigrants and lay-abouts’ encourages the paper to run a promotional voucher offer for its exclusive ‘now-working’ replica single mother shooter.

I’m full of hope.

I’ve got to give this a bit more thought but I’ve realised my son just isn’t special enough.  He’s a loser.  Rubbish.  An un-son.

He has no allergies and isn’t intolerant to any foods.  It’s the 21st century and the little squirt needs to wise up.  You get zero attention, nothing at all, if you don’t flare up when someone mentions the words peanuts down the ‘phone.  No one loves you if you can drink cows milk.  And don’t get me started on wheat:  my son can eat bread and pasta without bloating and it’s an embarrassment.

I’ll find a solution.  In the meantime Charlie (if you’re reading – which is unlikely as you’re only three and at school being healthy as we speak) watch your back.  I’m onto you.  Develop a rash big guy.  Soon

A large, and reasonably sincere, thankyou to Ted Drizzler for the heads up on a hugely important blog here.

You are offered up a monster on a daily basis and, put simply, need to work out just what the mother is all about.  Ted himself has some strong views on monster 91 and ploop has monster 95 nailed – that’s for certain.  Take a look.  There are some top quality monster sleuths over there and I think they’re on to something.

But this has had me pissing myself.  Come one – be interactive with the programme and earn yourself some cash … you don’t even need a red button, just enter our rigged quiz.

The neck of these people to look in to a camera and apologise for shafting people (basically pensioners let’s face it) out of money in some ham fisted TV quiz is remarkable.  Of course you’re taking the piss – it’s the simply business of phone quizes.  Piss easy questions, absurdly high entry charges (via a £1 phone call), and keep people calling and the coffers fill.  Just hope no-one catches you with your hands in the pensioner’s purse!

OK – maybe the Nation’s Favourite Idiots didn’t themselves know about this but come on …

You’ll be telling me later that Cilla Black thought all those envelopes had different holidays in them on Blind Date.