plooptionary

Press the red button.  Go on press it you loser.  Jesus, just press it

Eye wateringly anxious and furiously knobbing anyone who can say the phrases ‘digital content’ and ‘citizen journalism’ in the same sentence, the BBC needs you. Not for itself you understand – for you.  Why?  Because it’s your BBC.  That’s why it lets all the decent talent piss off to commercial stations and then blindly follows their content if it can prove you were watching that instead.

And, frankly Mr Shankly, that’s why they are the only cork up the arse operation throwing lip-pursingly large amounts of money at the red button.  Oh yes, the red button – go on press it.  Press the red fucker now.  Press.

Fast forward to the year 2007, the month is May and the BBC needs to get that red button working.  Come on it’s your BBC – you can dictate the news agenda and be a real life citizen journalist.  How exciting is that?  Come on – get your voice heard.  Clearly you’re as thick as a mule’s kidney and it wasn’t until we, your BBC, mentioned it that you realised you had a view on anything.  Come on, have you pressed yet?

Actually we pay our journalists shit loads of money and our cameramen are a pain in the arse as they’re in the unions and have rights and stuff – so if you could kinda tell us what you want to watch and then go out there and report on it, we’ve got a win win.  You don’t have to watch the crap we think you want to watch and we save shit loads of money and don’t have to double guess you.  Perfect.

2200.  Ten O-Clock News. Presented by a real person, Bob Roberts of

Swindon

It’s your news.  Tonight news is about you.  The you.  Press the red button now for interactive you – live in your own front room.  You watching you – isn’t that what you wanted you diseased little narcissist?

If this is too much for your time-worn little head round, then simply sit back as we wheel out the same dreary reports about someone farting in Iraq (which we have to cover as we’ve sent Ben Brown out there and he’s very expensive – he promised something explosive), we take a quick pop at the French striking again, a deeper look at the Blair’s property portfolio with our economics editor Evan Davies and Jeremy Clarkson reviewing Kes asks – ‘should kestrels pay the congestion charge?’

Of course it wouldn’t be the news without asking you to go interactive – so press the red button at anytime and our friends at Dominos Pizza will send an American Hot to the person on the screen at the time of your pressing.  We’ve got cameramen at the houses of literally every poor bastard mentioned on the news tonight and we’ll be live as the pizzas are hand delivered for free – every single time you give that lovely red button a prod.  Last night, you really won’t remember, Labour MP Ben Bradshaw received 1,802 stuffed crust four cheese pizzas after his sound-bite during our package on voles.  Decided by you, voted for by you, you all over … I love you, the BBC loves you – you are the BBC.  You make it, you are gorgeous, sexy, maybe a little overweight (but we like that, honest), and definitely clever …  you’re a citizen, you’re a journalist, you are you and we are you.  Go on press the red button you whore.  Press now.

And finally (our focus groups suggest you used to like that line when Trevor said it) a special report from Oldham where Mark Lawson asks if the Daily Mail’s recent ‘collect a token for tokenism’ appeal is tokenism.

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