plooptionary

plooptionary - weasel words and bullshit phrases fresh from the reeking bowels of consultants. (8 of 100)

*”Run the numbers”:  Teddy Pole runs a hugely successful rug company called Rugs by Name.   He took over the family firm when he was just 27 and has grown profits to £3 million on turnover of £23 million.  No one has the faintest clue how Teddy has done as he’s a total idiot.  Teddy has no raport with the staff, no rapport with the customers and no interest in rugs.  In a word Teddy ‘fluked’ it, taking over Rugs by Name on the crest of a rug wave and riding it.  It’s given Teddy a huge deal of confidence in his own ability, a confidence not shared by his sneering board directors. At the weekly stats meeting they need to cover for Teddy while constantly deciphering his portfolio of nonsense business phrases.  Following on from a pub conversation the night before where Hairy Jeff had been suggesting that, “there are loads of goats in Poland and apparently goat fur makes a belting rug”, Teddy turns up for the Monday morning stats meeting brimming with ill-conceived ideas. “Good weekend guys?” Silence “Good” says Teddy with not a whiff of sarcasm“Before we bore down into the figures Dawn I’d like to take flyer on something a contact of mine mentioned over the weekend”Eyes roll

“Polish goats make great rugs.  That’s a fact.  Alan, I’d like you to get on the internet and google ‘goats +

Poland  +Rugs’.  Then get your arse out there and run the numbers on this baby … It’s going to be big”  Teddy straightens up his papers and declares the meeting over.
Are you teddy?  Do you know how we can help people like Teddy? Could you out-teddy Teddy?  I hate Teddy.

TechTags Plugin [ business |  business productiviy | humor | humour ]    

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