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plooptionary - 9th of 100 idiotic business phrases

dictionary of business bullshit

plooptionary - ploop’s weasel words and bullshit phrases fresh from the reeking bowels of consultants. (9 of 100)

 I think today’s plooptionary phrase never really got the blanket coverage it deserved.  Jamie Cullen, its owner, was poisoned by an exasperated employee before he could offer the phrase for sale to the consultancy community.  Jamie also sold the phrases ‘fire fighting mode’ and ‘let’s pull stumps’.  At the time of his (very welcome) death there were still question marks over the provenance of his documentation for ‘solutioneering, but we shall never know - the sale of it certainly secured him buy a very nice static caravan in Sark though.  

“evergreen solution”: The context here is JS Sans Estate Agents in New Malden. Jamie, branch manager wants year round sales with out the November/December slump.  He takes all of the agents and back room staff out for an ‘away day’ at the local Hogshead pub (pie and a pint just 5.95).  His opening speech, as far as the sweet natured prostitute told him the night before, was immensely powerful. 

Jamie gets to his feet to kick thinks off while the combined weight of 8 bored employees sigh in anticipation. “I’m going to level with you.  Turning properties in spring is a pastime for schoolboys – and I’m not paying schoolboys [sorry I read that bit wrong] I meant to say, I’m not employing schoolboys.  You lot make your money when there are units on the books that aren’t shifting.  I’m talking the novdec window.  Today, we won’t leave until we have an evergreen solution to this one.  And I’ve got a raging hard on about this so it’s mandatory we get it nailed.”

Jamie Cullen, Estate Agent 1962-2006. Good riddance. 

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This entry was written by ploop and posted on March 27, 2007 at 3:01 pm and filed under plooptionary. Bookmark the permalink. Follow any comments here with the RSS feed for this post. Post a comment(Latest is displayed first) or leave a trackback: Trackback URL.

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5 Comments so far (Add 1 more)

  1. copper bottomed has a special place reserved in my own private hell.

    1. Jake Mayle on March 28th, 2007 at 9:45 am

  2. Jake - sounds like you’ve been at the arse end of more ‘creative’ versions of ‘rock solid’, ‘copper bottomed’ and ‘let’s get this nailed down’

    2. ploop on March 28th, 2007 at 9:16 am

  3. For some reason this ‘evergreening’, which i’ll confess i’ve been lucky enough to avoid thus far, made me think of some other equally silly image linked phrases - ‘fireproof’, ’stormproof’, ‘ringfenced’, ‘locked down’… all these testerone, weapons grade imagery are linked by the fact that the original idea that is supposed to be guarded/ protected / reinforced is almost certainly unworthy of such nuclear protection.
    ‘Don’t worry Tony… we’ve fireproofed your ‘inter department strategy pie chart’ That one’s safe pal. and Laura, we’ve put a dozen chain mail guards outside the safe room that contains the ant development plan you’ve been sweating over… but we’ve really got no choice but to address the upcoming voluntary redundancy and removal of employee rights package. That one’s in the firing line. Sorry guys. But good news for you Colin, the ‘let’s plant a tree on each day of the week that begins with the letter T’ idea is fast-tracking it’s way to the CEO’s office. That one’s locked down.’

    3. Jake Mayle on March 28th, 2007 at 9:05 am

  4. Terrific - I’m delighted that you’ve had a real life ‘evergreening’. I must say, I think TV and radio are the worst for these kind of phrases - look at Jake’s contirbutions, he’s in TV and hears some incredible stuff …

    4. ploop on March 28th, 2007 at 7:05 am

  5. Oh good lord! I can’t believe the term “evergreen” is in your corner of the world. I work in radio, and our program director was telling us that we need to have some “evergreen topics” on hand that we can rotate during the morning show.” I rolled my eyes at the term, because I thought: “Hmm…Did this come out of some corporate-speak handbook?” Short answer: Yep!

    5. Py Korry on March 28th, 2007 at 3:26 am

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