plooptionary

Exhasperated that not one single member of the British public cares about people as much as him, Tony Blair calls in some favours from his Islington TV buddies. A meeting is called in a ball-breakingly fashionable cave carved from bat shit underneath Battersea Power station.  In between far too many uses of the phrases, “you know”, “community”, “David Cameron’s a tosser”, “real people” and “Web 2.0” an idea is born, commissioned and scheduled. 

He’s the Only One Who Gives a Shit.  E5 0930-1300

 Jock Malone travels to four cities with the express intention of acting in an appalling manner: the aim is to see if the public get involved or turn the other cheek … 

In Manchester: Jock kicks to near death a pensioner in the Arndale Centre.  Onlookers appear bemused and tell themselves that maybe the pensioner ‘asked for it’ In Birmingham: Jock throws tins of beans at the head of a 4 month old baby while he’s on a bus in rush hour.  Many passengers look horrified and then bury their heads in their evening paper. In London: Jock tours Leicester Square laying turds in the bags of school children.  Passers-by apparently assume he’s their house master. In Scotland: Jock tours the town with a baseball bat and trashes every fruit stall he sees.  Having ruined the livelihoods of 4 stall holders it appears that not one single Scot has called the police.    

Covert recording on G3 Wap video phones is fed back live to the TV studio where Tony Blair sagely nods his head as it becomes clear, “he’s the only on who gives a shit”.  He promises to have policies on the statute by the following morning based on this one fatuous programme.

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