As well known mystics, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to offer some of our star spotting wisdom with readers here.  Not much sharing you understand – that would be commercial suicide – just the odd bit.  Those wanting the full, bare arsed truth about their desparate little lives will need email me at ploop at plooptionary dot com and I will let them know how they can deposit £15,000 in our offshore account - we’ll then spend all of 50 seconds creating a bespoke paragraph of astrology bollocks just for you. 

Today, we are going to delve into the potentially lucrative market of executive astrology – no CEO should be without it.

Astrology for business people:  Aries March sometime.

You will need to make some decisions at work today and some people will find them distasteful.  Mars has been humping Saturn, the money star, for weeks now and it’s having an effect on your ability to see clearly.  Don’t dispair and keep a cool head – others will thank you for it. 

Mercury is rising and you must learn to read the messages – so take a knife to the office and deal with that asshole in accounts.  He’s after your job, but he’s way behind the power curve.  Your evergreen solutions are bearing fruit and Jackie from HR would be delighted if you cut the spllen out of the accounts guy – he’s been touching her up in the lift for months now.  Don’t eat any fruit between 9 and 1435 and under no circumstance give Oliver gin when he asks you for it in a meeting over lunch.

All other readers needing important executive astrology should call call 0870 -9810324 23423423 and give me your American Express number and the keys to a brand new Bentley.