I haven’t got the facts to hand, but I have it on good authority that the carbon emissions created by the UN climate summit will actually force each member state to miss their emission deadlines by 19 days – at least.  So preoccupied were they with saving the world from carbon, so charged up on decarboning everything that moved, that last night – the plooptionary can reveal – they had one almighty Copenhagen blow out.  The party created so much carbon that this morning delgates have had to admit that tidying up the carbon emitted will take atleast 19 days and require extra troops from all member nations (France excluded).

As many female readers will know – you spend the day dieting and counting the calories, you become so obsessed with food that, come the evening, you feel you’ve earned 12 cakes and some sweets.  That’s why we should be sympathising with, not criticising, the UN delegates.  They were obsessed all day with saving the world.  So much so that, by last night, they felt they’d earned an evening off and set about burning vast piles of carbon, fanning the flames with tank size aerosols and melting ice.  The Plooptionary has disturbing images of a sniggering Gordon Brown offering thinly sliced pieces of trawler-caught dolphin to a laughing Barack Obama (who is believed to be saying ‘you got any ketchup for these special friend’).  Also caught on camera are startling images of Yvo de Boer, executive secretary of the UN climate convention, handing round penguin eggs and encouraging delegates to throw them at a 4 million watt light twisted to spell the words ‘Kyoto Treaty’. The Danish this morning were the only climate team without a hangover.