ploopology

posted by ploop also on humor blogs
We hate astrologers. Every single one of the money grabbing charlatans oozes round the globe stealing hard earned money from the vulnerable. Frankly they’re scum. So ploop’s joining them – after all, there’s money to be made.

So, Ploopology continues – the weekly slot of quick, at-a-glance star signs that can be taken on board by the time-starved executive on the run. They can be sent via SMS to board directors worldwide – allowing them to make ill-informed decisions based on their vacuous birth signs.

Power sentence astrology for the time hungry executive (week three – end of May):

Capricorn: “Play that funky music”
Aquarius: “Show the you’ve got balls, wet boy”
Gemini: “Keep rubbing until you can see your face”
Leo: “Venus fires power arrows into the HR department”
Scorpio: “Turn off the power supply”
Virgo: “Maybe someone in power hates accordions?”
Cancer: “Get a mechanic on it″
Taurus: “Grow up – no one thinks you wearing nappies in the office is funny”
Libra: “With views like yours you could be a judge on Americal Idol”
Aries: “Panic on the streets of London, Panic on the streets of Birmingham, I wonder to myself …”
Sagittarius: “Have you got caps lock on?”
Pisces: “Keep off the vodka”

I hope these help …

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Ploopology – the weekly slot of quick, at-a-glance star signs that can be taken on board by the time -tarved executive on the run.  They can be sent via SMS to board directors worldwide – allowing them to make ill-informed decisions based on their birth signs. 

Power sentence astrology for the time hungry executive (week two – May 23rd):

Capricorn: “Sit up straight”
Aquarius: “Mercury is frying up ideas in you mind wok”
Gemini: “Wibble Wobble Wibble Wobble Jelly on a Plate”
Leo: “Eat your greens”
Scorpio: “Nervous times hey?”
Virgo: “Is there someone in power who likes accordions?”
Cancer:  “You need evergreen solutions″
Taurus:  “Saturn strips off for Mars and takes a tour round the IT department”
Libra:  “The world is full of heroes”
Aries: “All my bags are packed, ready to go.  I’m standing here outside the door.  I hate to wake you up to say goodbye. But the dawn is breaking, it’s early morn’. taxi’s waiting, blown his horn.  I’m all so very lonesome I could die”
Sagittarius: “It’s 9 for an outside line”
Pisces: “The early bird catched the worm, so take a lie in – you don’t want worms”

plooptionary can be seen being ignored on humour blogs 

TechTags Plugin [ astrology | ploopology | executive | stars | heroes ]

In a new, and frankly not all that remarkable, new venture ploop is continuing to cash in on astrology.  Ploopology is a weekly slot of quick, at a glance star signs that can be taken on board by the time starved executive on the run.  The can be sent via SMS to board directors worldwide – allowing them to make ill-informed decisions based on their birth signs.  The most important people in the world will come to rely on these stars – taking only 2-3 seconds to read, some executive will save simply billions … leaving them free to shit on some poor third world country at leisure.

Our thanks go out to Jake Mayle who helped mould this eye-wateringly pleasing new stream of bollocks in a previous post seen here …  Beenzzz also had a pop so it seems like I’m on healthy ground

Power sentence astrology for the time hungry executive (week one – May 14th):

Capricorn: “Slay ‘em goatboy”
Aquarius: “Venus drives a powertool through the accounts department”
Gemini: “Quit stalling and make your mind up”
Leo: “Will you just shut up for one minute?”
Scorpio: “This week you will keep your own counsel”
Virgo: “Are you still in business?”
Cancer:  “Error 404″
Taurus:  “Don’t back down – it’s only fruit”
Libra:  “Take a breath and let others speak”
Aries: “Mercury is viagra for the marketeers”
Sagittarius: “”Keep thinking on your feet”
Pisces: “press control, alt delete”

plooptionary can now be found on humour blogs

TechTags Plugin [ viagra | astrology | ploopology | executive | stars ]

We hate astrologers.  Every single one of the money grabbing charlatans oozes round the globe stealing hard earned money from the vulnerable.  Frankly they’re scum.  So ploop’s joining them – after all, there’s money to be made.  Gradually we’ll be providing bespoke ‘executive stars’ – quick, at a glance, star readings for business men with only a few moments to snatch between power meetings.

First, we’re lucky enough to have a submission from Jake Mayle.  He’s dealt with Taurus …

Taurus: 

Anyway you lot, you “bulls” you here’s the scoop. You’re going to be looking a bit scruffy today. now it’s not your fault you understand, it’s just the hot water’s not working… call the plumber. Don’t wait til tomorrow as venus will be assaulting neptune with a steam iron at that time and there’ll be hell to pay unless you’re throwing salt over your shoulder and trying to remember whether the horseshoe should be up or down to give you good luck… (you’ll have to ring the number and deposit 15k if you want the answer to this by the way) so for gods sake get that call into the plumber today.

He’ll sort you… but you’ll still be left looking a bit ragged today. don’t despair. visit the gym on the way to work and have a shower there… destiny holds the shampoo tightly in one hand.

There’ll be no brisk Northwesterly… and an increased chance of rain.

enjoy

Fine work Mayle.

As well known mystics, we’ve taken it upon ourselves to offer some of our star spotting wisdom with readers here.  Not much sharing you understand – that would be commercial suicide – just the odd bit.  Those wanting the full, bare arsed truth about their desparate little lives will need email me at ploop at plooptionary dot com and I will let them know how they can deposit £15,000 in our offshore account - we’ll then spend all of 50 seconds creating a bespoke paragraph of astrology bollocks just for you. 

Today, we are going to delve into the potentially lucrative market of executive astrology – no CEO should be without it.

Astrology for business people:  Aries March sometime.

You will need to make some decisions at work today and some people will find them distasteful.  Mars has been humping Saturn, the money star, for weeks now and it’s having an effect on your ability to see clearly.  Don’t dispair and keep a cool head – others will thank you for it. 

Mercury is rising and you must learn to read the messages – so take a knife to the office and deal with that asshole in accounts.  He’s after your job, but he’s way behind the power curve.  Your evergreen solutions are bearing fruit and Jackie from HR would be delighted if you cut the spllen out of the accounts guy – he’s been touching her up in the lift for months now.  Don’t eat any fruit between 9 and 1435 and under no circumstance give Oliver gin when he asks you for it in a meeting over lunch.

All other readers needing important executive astrology should call call 0870 -9810324 23423423 and give me your American Express number and the keys to a brand new Bentley.